Thursday, December 29, 2011
Holy Moses! I haven't blogged in months!
Please don't take it personal..I haven't fucked with anyone lately. I will be back..I pinky promise
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Wake up, wake up, wake up it's the 1st of the month!!!
Hola..Hola..HOLA!!! Did ya'll miss me?? Anyone?? Anyone?? Stalkers?? Anyone?
**I'm back for a quickie** YOU ARE WELCOME ((IN ADVANCE))
**I'm back for a quickie** YOU ARE WELCOME ((IN ADVANCE))
You know everyone gets their link on the 1st and I get paid on the 31st so this works perfectly
for all parties involved..50 fo that hunnit..((never mind ya’ll don’t do nothing about that!!)) AnyHO..so on Friday evening I decide ima go to the grocery store ((instead of the club…Cuz that’s what real grown women DO! Jus sayin)) anyways I take the baybays because..well shit because they are my kids!
**I Pull up to Kroger and as I'm fixing my hair and applying my lip gloss.. I politely tell these little mo fo’s they either behave or they lose their life.. && they kno I’m a little off my rocker so they oblige
PAUSE **getting off track a bit but I just gotta know))
**I Pull up to Kroger and as I'm fixing my hair and applying my lip gloss.. I politely tell these little mo fo’s they either behave or they lose their life.. && they kno I’m a little off my rocker so they oblige
PAUSE **getting off track a bit but I just gotta know))
Does anyone else pick the 1 retarded cart that’s wheels don’t want to spin!? Never ever fails..EVER! and of course my children want the one that looks like a car in the front.. fucking greattttttttt..not only do I have the broke down busted one..I look extra fucked up pushing 2 big head ass boys in the car part…the damn semi of grocery buggy's or carts or whatev you prefer to call em..
So we are cruising along… doin our mudda fuggin thizzle..and Kenny my middle son starts fighting with his lil bruh bruh Debo.. So I tell him to come next to me..in case he gets outta pocket he is within arm’s reach..ya kno.. we get to the snack section..and I let them pick out 1 snack each..((anymore and we would be there all night with their little indecisive asses..)) Well Kenny decided he wanted 2.. Im like looky here you little greedy bastad..you gets 1..thats it that’s all!! LOW KEY lil dude was super pissed…but I gives no fuck.. 1 is 1 is 1 is 1.. so fast forward..I get my groceries..cart is heavy as shit it’s all ready retarded so Im pushing like a muffuka to make it move (( I LOOKED LIKE I WAS IN THE STRONG MAN COMPETITION..NO LIE)) …Im like fuck this shit..I need a drink.. so I push the cart down the sliqour isle.. ((WITH ALL INTENTIONS ON GETTING SOME MOSCATO..((BAREFOOT MOSCATO AT THAT!! CUZ IM CLASSY LIKE THAT BITCHES!!)) lol..So Im lookin and Kenny who is still standing by me cuz he doesn’t know how to act right is now messing with all the bottles.. Im like DUDE.. you got some liquor money!?? He was like NO.. I said “ then quit messing before you break one”
OK so as im lookin at my uber expensive wine J..I glance to the left and see a Kroger special on Svedka vodka a half gallon for 16.99.. STRAIGHT UP you can’t beat that.. So I’m like Shitttttt lemme get that instead of my wine…So I gets my half gallon of vodka and I’m like I’ll drink tonic and lime with it.. very refreshing lemme tell you! So I grab my stuff and head to check out.. and realize I can’t use the self checker because I have a cart load of food and such.. So I headed for the only check out open at 7:00 on a Friday night on the 2nd of the month
CUZ THAT MAKES A LOT OF SENSE RIGHT!? RIGHT!!
CUZ THAT MAKES A LOT OF SENSE RIGHT!? RIGHT!!
I head for the check-out so I can start standing in the long ass line..MIND YOU.. I have a 3 year old who is asking me every question under the sun.. I have my 6 yr old who has ADD and won’t stop messing with the magazines and candy and then my sweet boy..my ride or die my right hand man Bray Bray helping push the retarded semi truck shopping cart..So as we stand in line all I can think of doing is going home and having a drink! Shit I'm exhausted fa real fa real!! I realized I don’t have a lime.. and being as I have already been in line and there are now people behind me I ask Bray if he will go grab some.. So as he goes to get the lime, Kenny gets pissed and starts to whine about not getting to go.. So I tell him chill out and stop acting like that.. DUDE starts stompin his feet acting real out of pocket.. I gave him the glare ((MOM’S YOU KNOW “THE LOOK”)) and so he turns and faces the candy and then turns back around all excited with candy in his hand, and asks me “mom can I have this!? I said “NO, you already picked out a snack Kenlon” he was like pleaseeeeeee pleaseeeeeeeee pleaseeeee.. so I'm already irritated.. he has been acting bad since we got in the door.. I got a retarded ass cart.. I'm being interrogated by a 3 year old.. and I'm tired! So I’m like “NO..ask me again and Ima make you put your snack back!"
***this little shit was like “ IF YOU DON’T LET ME GET THE CANDY, THAT MEANS YOU DON’T LOVE ME!”
I'm not even gonna lie.. he pissed me the fuck off.. like WHAT DID HE JUS SAY TO ME!!!? I smacked him ((OPEN HANDED..NO CLOSED FISTS HERE PEOPLE :)) in the mouth like.. Watch what you say lil boy.. I will whoop you in the store in front of all the people!!
***this little shit was like “ IF YOU DON’T LET ME GET THE CANDY, THAT MEANS YOU DON’T LOVE ME!”
I'm not even gonna lie.. he pissed me the fuck off.. like WHAT DID HE JUS SAY TO ME!!!? I smacked him ((OPEN HANDED..NO CLOSED FISTS HERE PEOPLE :)) in the mouth like.. Watch what you say lil boy.. I will whoop you in the store in front of all the people!!
**Please someone tell me why the lady behind us in line GASPS and grabs her chest like I hit him in the face with a brick?? So I turn and gave her a fucked up look like **shut your dramatic ass up bitch** and this heffa actually had the NERVE to say.. “ that really wasn’t necessary!”
ummmm no she didn’t.. no the fuck she didn’t.. lawd gzus she did..she really really did!!
So before I can even think.. I'm like “bitch, shut up before you’re next” and then when I realized what I said I turned around like.. oh my gawd..I got EVERYONE staring..AND at this point.. it's so quiet in that mufukka all you here is the **BEEP…BEEP..BEEP of the register..so here comes oblivious Bray with the Limes..and you can tell he doesn’t know what happened but he knows it was bad..people are quiet..I'm pissed..Kenny's dramatic ass is holding his face crying..so he starts helping put the groceries up at the register in a faced pace..haha ..even Trae is tryin to help ((by throwing shit from the cart to the belt)) we got Kenny who is crying and the lady behind me ((whose probably callin 911 and the DCFS on me..)) sigh oh sigh..I get the groceries up there..then I'm trying to explain to the cashier that I’m paying with this portion of the groceries with link..and everything else *((INCLUDING MY HALF GALLON OF SVEDKA AND TONIC AND LIMES AND SHIT..with DEBIT)) you can imagine how unfit I look right about then… I KNOW EVERYONE IN THAT DAMN LINE WAS JUDGING ME!! ** and to top it off** I can't remember the girls pin # to save my life..I have to call the broad and hold up my quick escape even longer!!! LOL ((I couldn’t get out of the store fast enough..seriously)) moral of the story.. Don't take your children grocery shopping!!
X's & O's
BB
ummmm no she didn’t.. no the fuck she didn’t.. lawd gzus she did..she really really did!!
So before I can even think.. I'm like “bitch, shut up before you’re next” and then when I realized what I said I turned around like.. oh my gawd..I got EVERYONE staring..AND at this point.. it's so quiet in that mufukka all you here is the **BEEP…BEEP..BEEP of the register..so here comes oblivious Bray with the Limes..and you can tell he doesn’t know what happened but he knows it was bad..people are quiet..I'm pissed..Kenny's dramatic ass is holding his face crying..so he starts helping put the groceries up at the register in a faced pace..haha ..even Trae is tryin to help ((by throwing shit from the cart to the belt)) we got Kenny who is crying and the lady behind me ((whose probably callin 911 and the DCFS on me..)) sigh oh sigh..I get the groceries up there..then I'm trying to explain to the cashier that I’m paying with this portion of the groceries with link..and everything else *((INCLUDING MY HALF GALLON OF SVEDKA AND TONIC AND LIMES AND SHIT..with DEBIT)) you can imagine how unfit I look right about then… I KNOW EVERYONE IN THAT DAMN LINE WAS JUDGING ME!! ** and to top it off** I can't remember the girls pin # to save my life..I have to call the broad and hold up my quick escape even longer!!! LOL ((I couldn’t get out of the store fast enough..seriously)) moral of the story.. Don't take your children grocery shopping!!
X's & O's
BB
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
I got ice in my veins, blood in my eyes. Hate in my heart, love in my mind.
I read this article the other day about a woman cutting off her mans dick and then putting the severed wenis into a garbage disposal. My thoughts were ALL over the place...
#1What did this muffukka do to piss her off?
#2 How will he ever fuck again?
#3 How the hell did it get to this point that she felt the need to cut his thang thang off?
#4 I wonder what a severed dick looks like?
I'm sure these are absolutely normal thoughts that one has when reading a story like this.
Now I can't help but wonder what he done did to piss her off. Ima go with he was fuckin around or he got caught up doin some bullshit.. Ima say that dude did the dummy and led this girl on into thinking that she meant more to him than she actually did.. kinda like Rocko said "we just be coolin it we aint going steady" If you don't tell a bitch that 9 times outta 10 she gonna assume cuz ya'll fuckin you go together.. So fella's keep it 100!! & ladies...dick is never that serious.. NEVER EVER.. Dick is everywhere and why females do the crazy dumb shit that they do over some dick I will never understand.. But I am hoping with this blog I can enlighten a chick and hopefully save a dicks life..
I compiled a list of "signs" that you might be a JUMP OFF if...I hope this list will help these crazy bitches and save a dick one day.. real talk
Drum roll please………..
You know you are the sideline chick when…..
** If you get sent to VM ALL the time
** If you only kick it at night….
**If ya’ll “order in” but never go out
**if you gotta be incognito on facebook and talk in codes mhmmm you the other bitch
** if you write something on his FB Wall and it vanishes or you are not able to tag photos of him, and his relationship status is single… girl you really need to rethink your relationship
**if he tells you he care about you but he don't annouce you his girl cuz he don't like everybody in his business... ** BULLSHIT you the other woman! skeeeeeettttt
** if he disappears every Holiday… **cough cough** baby bye!
** when you tell himyou love himand you get “thanks” as a response.... bitch run!!! Run as fast as you can!
** if he hasn’t spent ANY money on you.. child shit not only are you not his main..he is cheap!
**If your name is saved in his phone as some lame ass nickname he don’t even call you...… mhmmmm you already kno!
**If you all are just “chillin" 6 months later.. he a dirty dog
** he get you pregnant and stop talking to you or demand that you “get rid of it” or claim it aint his then probably that’s because he got a wife that is gonna KILL him…
**you see him in public and he act like he doesn’t know a bitch..probably because he’s with his bitch
**Mcdonald’s is NOT I repeat NOT a romantic dinner..
**February 15th is NOT valentine’s day.. so those discounted candy and flowers don’t mean SHIT
**if you notice a pattern of him calling at a certain time or seeing him on certain days.. then yous a HO..a sideline HO..
**if he has your house key but you don’t have his.. mhmmmmmmmmmmm child you AL-RHET-TY kno..
**if he always decides when ya’ll gonna kick it… yurp you’ze a jumpoff
**if during Christmas and Valentine’s day he prepares you ahead of time that he aint getting you shit like he a Jehovah Witness or he don’t celebrate that bullshit.. You’ze a jumpoff!
**If every time you try and talk about your “status” and his response is that you're nagging and complaining too much is why ya'll not official or why ya’ll gotta put labels on some shit… stop playin ya self.. you aint shit to him!
*** disclaimer***
Sidelines come in all shapes, sizes, colors blah blah blah… the baddest bitch could be a sideline. It doesn’t matter what you look like it can and probably has or will happen to you..girl fuck em girl FUCK HIM he the one that’s fucked up not you.. so don’t trip it happens..i hope this helps so you don't go and off yourself or summin...
Ho…Ho…Youzzz a Ho..Youzzz a Ho..sideline ho.. when you called his phone did he pick it up? Nooooooooo <-------that didn't help did it??
#1What did this muffukka do to piss her off?
#2 How will he ever fuck again?
#3 How the hell did it get to this point that she felt the need to cut his thang thang off?
#4 I wonder what a severed dick looks like?
I'm sure these are absolutely normal thoughts that one has when reading a story like this.
Now I can't help but wonder what he done did to piss her off. Ima go with he was fuckin around or he got caught up doin some bullshit.. Ima say that dude did the dummy and led this girl on into thinking that she meant more to him than she actually did.. kinda like Rocko said "we just be coolin it we aint going steady" If you don't tell a bitch that 9 times outta 10 she gonna assume cuz ya'll fuckin you go together.. So fella's keep it 100!! & ladies...dick is never that serious.. NEVER EVER.. Dick is everywhere and why females do the crazy dumb shit that they do over some dick I will never understand.. But I am hoping with this blog I can enlighten a chick and hopefully save a dicks life..
I compiled a list of "signs" that you might be a JUMP OFF if...I hope this list will help these crazy bitches and save a dick one day.. real talk
Drum roll please………..
You know you are the sideline chick when…..
** If you get sent to VM ALL the time
** If you only kick it at night….
**If ya’ll “order in” but never go out
**if you gotta be incognito on facebook and talk in codes mhmmm you the other bitch
** if you write something on his FB Wall and it vanishes or you are not able to tag photos of him, and his relationship status is single… girl you really need to rethink your relationship
**if he tells you he care about you but he don't annouce you his girl cuz he don't like everybody in his business... ** BULLSHIT you the other woman! skeeeeeettttt
** if he disappears every Holiday… **cough cough** baby bye!
** when you tell himyou love himand you get “thanks” as a response.... bitch run!!! Run as fast as you can!
** if he hasn’t spent ANY money on you.. child shit not only are you not his main..he is cheap!
**If your name is saved in his phone as some lame ass nickname he don’t even call you...… mhmmmm you already kno!
**If you all are just “chillin" 6 months later.. he a dirty dog
** he get you pregnant and stop talking to you or demand that you “get rid of it” or claim it aint his then probably that’s because he got a wife that is gonna KILL him…
**you see him in public and he act like he doesn’t know a bitch..probably because he’s with his bitch
**Mcdonald’s is NOT I repeat NOT a romantic dinner..
**February 15th is NOT valentine’s day.. so those discounted candy and flowers don’t mean SHIT
**if you notice a pattern of him calling at a certain time or seeing him on certain days.. then yous a HO..a sideline HO..
**if he has your house key but you don’t have his.. mhmmmmmmmmmmm child you AL-RHET-TY kno..
**if he always decides when ya’ll gonna kick it… yurp you’ze a jumpoff
**if during Christmas and Valentine’s day he prepares you ahead of time that he aint getting you shit like he a Jehovah Witness or he don’t celebrate that bullshit.. You’ze a jumpoff!
**If every time you try and talk about your “status” and his response is that you're nagging and complaining too much is why ya'll not official or why ya’ll gotta put labels on some shit… stop playin ya self.. you aint shit to him!
*** disclaimer***
Sidelines come in all shapes, sizes, colors blah blah blah… the baddest bitch could be a sideline. It doesn’t matter what you look like it can and probably has or will happen to you..girl fuck em girl FUCK HIM he the one that’s fucked up not you.. so don’t trip it happens..i hope this helps so you don't go and off yourself or summin...
Ho…Ho…Youzzz a Ho..Youzzz a Ho..sideline ho.. when you called his phone did he pick it up? Nooooooooo <-------that didn't help did it??
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
The car CAME with ashtrays for a REASON!!
***currently listening to "Neighbors know my name" and well that makes me think about the neighbors really knowing his name..which makes me think about sweeeeeet love..which makes me think about smoking after sex..which makes me think..ahh shit I quit...what the flocka am I gonna do afterwards now? shitttttt I didn't think this all the way thru CLEARLY!
So I hit the big 21+7 and decided that I don't wanna be a lushy chain smoker anymore...5 weeks later..I'm still NOT SMOKING.. lawd gzus praise gzus child gzus.... I NEED A SQUARE.. toodles....
So I hit the big 21+7 and decided that I don't wanna be a lushy chain smoker anymore...5 weeks later..I'm still NOT SMOKING.. lawd gzus praise gzus child gzus.... I NEED A SQUARE.. toodles....
Locked up they won't let me out
**BB's back..BB's back..got all these bitches screamin that BB's BACK...so let me tell ya'll whats been goin on since my last post.....not a mudda fuckin thing..a bitch hurt her back gettin her back broke and welp 3 months later im feeling better...so I'm bloggin
I got pulled over today b/c apparently I think my name is Danica Patrick and speed limits DO NOT apply to me.. so as I wait for the police to come tell me about myself..I start getting paranoid like I am a criminal...seriously pondering shit like...{{do I have any illegal drugs in here?? Am I drunk ((checks breath with my hand)) searches for eye drops and bubblelicious grape gum..Do I have any open containers of liquor on me??.. If I have warrants..should I run or just be a woman about it.. FUCK who am I gonna call to come get me?}} ahhhhh SHIT.. so I start texting folks like... yoooo what you doin right now?? As I text I'm lookin in the mirror like probably I should put some lip gloss on and brush my hair.. I would reallllly hate to have a bad mug shot.. just in case I'm in the newspaper under the crime stoppers portion cuz I'm a rebel without a cause gettin arrested and shit... I need a good picture not a fucked up one like all these other bitches... nothing worse then having puffy eyes and bed head...oh my gawww..cuz trust and believe me there is nothing worse than getting arrested looking like straight garbage son! I would know because it happened to me once... Don't fucking judge me jus listen to the story....
See what had happened was..I got pulled over way back when for having a headlight out ((PADIDDLE BITCHES)) ..so dude gave me warning but I guess he told me I need to take care of it and show proof of this nonsense.. you kno me.. I didn't show shit cuz what the fuck for its a headlight people... anywhore.. fast forward..
Thanksgiving eve I'm with my boo and his friend and for those who know me know I don't "do" the pot however I heart the pot and encourage people to blow it in my face....so my boo and his guy had been smoking in my car..I drop them off and I head home to my moms house <-- don't judge me I was still young... so 3 AM rollin to the p's house and BAM policia is behind me.. so yea pulls me over for a license plate light whatev they have nothing better to do at 3 am.. I understand really I do! I give em my shizzy and wait for them to come back with a warning or whatev..Then I hear.."ma'am please step out of the car..**I'm oblivious still..like ok sure.. he then says.."please place your hands behind your back" still not getting it..I oblige..then he says "you are under arrest" my dumb ass looks around like WHO??? So as I'm getting frisked the other officer comes over to me like Ms. Brunson you've got 5 seconds to tell us where the "dope" is or we are callin the K-9 unit... I'm laughin probably off a contact buzz or sumthin..and my smart dumb ass is like shitttttt good luck with all that... SMDH this muthafucka was serious as fuck like..ok have it your way puts on his gloves and heads to my car... FUCK MY LIFE..
I should have been the sweet nice soft spoken chick that we ALL know I am cuz this dude TORE..listen to what Im telling you.. TORE my car apart.. you would have thought I was a drug lord crossing the fucking border or summin..He ripped my door panal all the way off...he has the canine back there probably shitting in my back seat...my poor car:( so ok..they don't find shit cuz again I don't do the pot..but these bastads take me to jail for driving on a suspended license because of a headlight violation...ARE WE SERIOUS! Where they do that at?? I'm literally in my drive way and I'm being handcuffed and they are towing my car... and oh I forgot to mention its November.. and I'm wearing a valour track suit ((crushed valour at that))with a halter.. with no undergarments and bed head **drops head..it's true I got bed head** .. STOP judging assholes! Oh and to top it off I have a broken ankle and its in a cast..that im not supposed to be walking on but I am and I have no crutches AND on my other foot I have on a house shoe!! YES a fucking house shoe!! ..so I have to limp in handcuffs in a small ass backseat..I'M DYING YO! like literally DYING .. the car ride is like 20 min.. but felt like FOREVER.. I'm sideways in a car with my hands behind my back..the handcuffs are LITERALLY slitting my wrists..every bump is a tinge of pain..I'm singing the fuckin macarana in my head to keep my mind off the pain "Hey Macarena Ieeeeeee' ...and dick head super trooper is trying to have a convo... I get to the jail and they are laughing at me b/c they had never booked someone for driving on a suspended license because of a headlight violation...I didn't find the shit as funny as the CO's but what are you gonna do... they say I can make a phone call.. I look at dude like he has lost his rabbit ass mind.. I'm not callin my mother at 4 am to tell her I'm in jail...fukka that ok! I'm like ummm no I'm good..the officer starts to laugh and said "well since its technically Thanksgiving you can't see the judge until Monday you have to bond out if you don't you will have to go upstairs".. I said whats that? He said you will change into county garb and be placed into a cell until you see the judge..ewwwww I heard stories about having to wear other peoples undies and socks and yeaa...That's dead..Egyptian Dead mr. officer... so I call my mother..and Im like HI mom..I love you! Listen DON'T BE MAD but...I'm in jail can you come get me? My mother did the best fuckin thing ever!! She said "I am on my way!" Awhhhh I love my MoMski! even tho she yelled at me the ENTIRE ride home..
Moral of this story people.. Always wear underwear!!
P.the fuk S. I didn't get a ticket..and I didn't have to have a foot chase with the pokey...all is well with the world :)
I got pulled over today b/c apparently I think my name is Danica Patrick and speed limits DO NOT apply to me.. so as I wait for the police to come tell me about myself..I start getting paranoid like I am a criminal...seriously pondering shit like...{{do I have any illegal drugs in here?? Am I drunk ((checks breath with my hand)) searches for eye drops and bubblelicious grape gum..Do I have any open containers of liquor on me??.. If I have warrants..should I run or just be a woman about it.. FUCK who am I gonna call to come get me?}} ahhhhh SHIT.. so I start texting folks like... yoooo what you doin right now?? As I text I'm lookin in the mirror like probably I should put some lip gloss on and brush my hair.. I would reallllly hate to have a bad mug shot.. just in case I'm in the newspaper under the crime stoppers portion cuz I'm a rebel without a cause gettin arrested and shit... I need a good picture not a fucked up one like all these other bitches... nothing worse then having puffy eyes and bed head...oh my gawww..cuz trust and believe me there is nothing worse than getting arrested looking like straight garbage son! I would know because it happened to me once... Don't fucking judge me jus listen to the story....
See what had happened was..I got pulled over way back when for having a headlight out ((PADIDDLE BITCHES)) ..so dude gave me warning but I guess he told me I need to take care of it and show proof of this nonsense.. you kno me.. I didn't show shit cuz what the fuck for its a headlight people... anywhore.. fast forward..
Thanksgiving eve I'm with my boo and his friend and for those who know me know I don't "do" the pot however I heart the pot and encourage people to blow it in my face....so my boo and his guy had been smoking in my car..I drop them off and I head home to my moms house <-- don't judge me I was still young... so 3 AM rollin to the p's house and BAM policia is behind me.. so yea pulls me over for a license plate light whatev they have nothing better to do at 3 am.. I understand really I do! I give em my shizzy and wait for them to come back with a warning or whatev..Then I hear.."ma'am please step out of the car..**I'm oblivious still..like ok sure.. he then says.."please place your hands behind your back" still not getting it..I oblige..then he says "you are under arrest" my dumb ass looks around like WHO??? So as I'm getting frisked the other officer comes over to me like Ms. Brunson you've got 5 seconds to tell us where the "dope" is or we are callin the K-9 unit... I'm laughin probably off a contact buzz or sumthin..and my smart dumb ass is like shitttttt good luck with all that... SMDH this muthafucka was serious as fuck like..ok have it your way puts on his gloves and heads to my car... FUCK MY LIFE..
I should have been the sweet nice soft spoken chick that we ALL know I am cuz this dude TORE..listen to what Im telling you.. TORE my car apart.. you would have thought I was a drug lord crossing the fucking border or summin..He ripped my door panal all the way off...he has the canine back there probably shitting in my back seat...my poor car:( so ok..they don't find shit cuz again I don't do the pot..but these bastads take me to jail for driving on a suspended license because of a headlight violation...ARE WE SERIOUS! Where they do that at?? I'm literally in my drive way and I'm being handcuffed and they are towing my car... and oh I forgot to mention its November.. and I'm wearing a valour track suit ((crushed valour at that))with a halter.. with no undergarments and bed head **drops head..it's true I got bed head** .. STOP judging assholes! Oh and to top it off I have a broken ankle and its in a cast..that im not supposed to be walking on but I am and I have no crutches AND on my other foot I have on a house shoe!! YES a fucking house shoe!! ..so I have to limp in handcuffs in a small ass backseat..I'M DYING YO! like literally DYING .. the car ride is like 20 min.. but felt like FOREVER.. I'm sideways in a car with my hands behind my back..the handcuffs are LITERALLY slitting my wrists..every bump is a tinge of pain..I'm singing the fuckin macarana in my head to keep my mind off the pain "Hey Macarena Ieeeeeee' ...and dick head super trooper is trying to have a convo... I get to the jail and they are laughing at me b/c they had never booked someone for driving on a suspended license because of a headlight violation...I didn't find the shit as funny as the CO's but what are you gonna do... they say I can make a phone call.. I look at dude like he has lost his rabbit ass mind.. I'm not callin my mother at 4 am to tell her I'm in jail...fukka that ok! I'm like ummm no I'm good..the officer starts to laugh and said "well since its technically Thanksgiving you can't see the judge until Monday you have to bond out if you don't you will have to go upstairs".. I said whats that? He said you will change into county garb and be placed into a cell until you see the judge..ewwwww I heard stories about having to wear other peoples undies and socks and yeaa...That's dead..Egyptian Dead mr. officer... so I call my mother..and Im like HI mom..I love you! Listen DON'T BE MAD but...I'm in jail can you come get me? My mother did the best fuckin thing ever!! She said "I am on my way!" Awhhhh I love my MoMski! even tho she yelled at me the ENTIRE ride home..
Moral of this story people.. Always wear underwear!!
P.the fuk S. I didn't get a ticket..and I didn't have to have a foot chase with the pokey...all is well with the world :)
Monday, April 11, 2011
I ain't no mutha fuckin SPOOBY bitch!
Hello young world it is me again..I have had a shitastic weekend..pardon me for my absence.. I was feeling better today until this manila gorilla lookin ass bitch wanted to test me.. She must not know that I am emotionally unstable right now..cuz she sure in the fuck had a staring problem and was shocked and appalled when I told her some "BOO" as I walked past her to get in my car... and FYI that wife beater and no bra isn’t workin for you..matter of fact it should be illegal..illegal as that fucked up lace front on your damn head.. enjoy ur day tootles..
 |
| Believe it or not her lace front was worse..and not combed..ewww kill yoself! |
Normally I AM this mean.. but today I said it with hate.. almost wanting her to fuck with me some more.. but she didn’t have shit to say surprisingly.. after praying for forgiveness I chuckled.. as I got to work I seen this man in tight sweats that were to short..and a tight ass sweatshirt and bookbag..reminded me of the kid from BIG.
 |
| Is that a wedgy!? ewwwwie gooey! |
I said damnnn that should be ILLEGAL too.. wtf is wrong with the world today..apparently lots.. and I am here to tell you there is a laundry list of shit that should be illegal.. and when I become the leader of the free world I will enforce it! So please brace yourself because you will be arrested for NOT being awesome.
Much love,
BB
1. People at stop lights who blare some techno music like we are at a rave.. at least turn the shit down or roll up your windows..rude rave-aholic fukka
2. Justin Beiber.. YOU SUCK, YOUR MUSIC SUCKS..and if YOU are a fan YOU SUCK TOO… life without the possiblilty of parole for you people
3. Tan-a-rexics.. listen I am ALL for a little color.. nobody wants to look at something that is pasty white..ewwww but fa real fa real..if you look like an umpa loompa.. ima say..you need an intervention… your race shouldn’t be ORANGE.. not cute
4. Speedos on men.. Unless your name is Michael Phelps.. Don’t fucking do that EVER!
5. Short Sleeve shirts with a neck tie… dude you are screaming scum bag..it reminds me of Sipowicz from NYPD blue..
6. Bitch ass fuks who cleary see the road signs that say road closing 3 mi but still wait to the very last minute before merging! AND THEN DON’T EVEN FUCKIN GIVE YOU A HAND WAVE to show appreciation for letting them over…you make me want to ram my car into yours and then cut you back off while giving you the finger
7. Hating the Chicago Bears.. punishment should be public stoning!
8. Wearing Crocs..even you Mario Batali! What the fuck..fuck comfort you look like an asswipe..they make your feet sweat..which in return make ur feet smell.. ewwwie
9. White girls with weave… ummm WHY!?
10. Grown men on Mopeds/Scooters.. you look fucking RIDIC and Grown, Fat men on scooters… lawd gzus.. you are gonna be exiled from my Country!
11. Men who think they are GOD’s gift to women.. actually you are a piece of shit with desco dick.. THAT IS ALL!
12. Last Call….Noooooooo I hate this!
13. Old People.. Yea I said it! What!? Nothing worse than walking behind them or driving behind them they are S-L-O-W as fuck.. and not only that, why must they smell like musk!? And why does their breath have to smell like cat shit?
14. People who wear shorts and flippys with a hooded sweatshirt.. what the fuck!? I mean I know its colder up north than it is down south but dayum.. you look like a fucking idiot.. really you do..
Thursday, April 7, 2011
What in theeee FUCK is this shit!?!?
I stumbled across this website.. and choked on my damn saltines.. and you know them shits are dry all fucking ready!!! Sighhh oh sighhhh This just goes to show NOT everyone can be a freakin Photog!
Seriously WTF!? #1 Dad if you hike dem jeans any higher you gonna get a yeast infection..and Mom really you actually thought a topless family photo with your 2 young daughter was a good idea.... ummmmmm weird jus weird!!
I have 3 sons.. and as much as I love dressing them alike.. Dressing them like a Ribeye never crossed my mind! huh who would have thunk it! I wonder if they had to get these specially made.. SMH Lady Gaga aint got nathan' on them!
I don't know what is worse.. the fact that they are in prom gowns in the middle of the woods.. Or that they are holding COCKS... jus sayin
**I'm too sexy for my shirt..too sexy for my shirt..So sexy it hurts!**
Me TARZAN you JANE lookin ass..
hahaha ohhh lawd.. with his mullet and small wenis.. smh
#1 why are you drinking OJ? It's milk that does a body good..and by the looks of the bone popping out of your pelvis it looks like you could use some.. #2 I am impressed by ur flexability and will be starting yoga IMMEDIATLY! lmao
Goooooooooooo!.. once I realized what it was I was looking at it ^^^ scared the SHIT outta me!! seriously
Does he look like Ron Jeremy to anyone else?
P.S. are they gonna kill Petey with the bayonet!?
P.P.S. we can see who wears the pants in this family..and it isn't Ron Jeremy Jr.Jr
((I inserted a pic of Ron Jeremey.. cuz sum of ya'll apperently don't like porn as much as I do..))
Ok hunee.. ok hunee..ok hunee DAMN lil BITCH ima need you to stop kissing my man NOW!
Nothing says BABY like a tire :) at least you coulda wiped the dirt off them treads ya dig!
Mirror Mirror on the wall..Ohhh I can't wait to grow up and be a topless bride with jeans on..
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
I call em April babies..cuz they're fools.
Anyone who knows me.. Knows I EFFIN loathe 4.1.. I am uber gullible as it is.. What can I say.. I am jus as sweet as pie and naive.. screechhhhhhhhh.. jus effin with ya..but I am gullible tho..anywhore I don't like tricks.. tricks are for kids.. and old dirty pervs.. so needless to say, I wasn't really looking forward to April fools.. ok soooo when I woke up to a text message about my sister winning the little lotto.. I was like HA yea whatev nice try.. and when my son came down..trying to cry thru his big ole smile about his arm being broke.. I was feeling pah-retty confident that this day was gonna go off without a hitch... mhmmmm.. I get to work and the chick who has had a hysterectomy for 6 years announced she was pregnant.. LULL.. I was thinking these muffuckas gotta wake up extra early to fool me.. being a Wanga.. not a good look.. really this is what got me was my wanganess...
**My beezy (we shall call her Collette..Cole for short..I always liked that name..probably I should seek out a Collette and befriend her and then I really could have a beezy name Collette..hmmm taking over the world one thought at a time) N-E-WHORE...
Okkk..so Cole has been friendly with a weird lil gent for some time now.. I told that heffa don't be nice to everyone.. that is like feeding the stray cats..they follow you home..same deal with P Diddy..<--that's what we are calling him.. ;)
So P.Diddy is a total creeper.. TOTAL ewwwie gooey..creeper and no matter what cole does P.Diddy never gets the hint.. OK SO THIS BISH IS SLICK.. totally set me up the night before I do believe..
We were talkin and she told me that P.Diddy is totally freakin her out... and she was going to block his number because he was starting to make her feel uncomfortable.. so she texted me later on that night and told me she blocked him. OK cool
I get up on 4.1 and mutha fuckas think they are slick but I'm dodging their jokes like dodge balls.. getting real cocky.. then she texts me
Cole-"Diddy is banging on my door..im supa scared..can u come here!?!?"
Me-Fa real Fa real??
**crickets**
NO FUCKING ANSWER
^^mind you I am at work.. at my desk.. and my heart is beating fast for my poor little ole friend and worried about the big bad wolf bangin on her door because she killed all his advances and blocked him from contacting her...and now he is probably super duper pissed ((he aint all there in the head if you ask me))
AND
this heffa isn't texting back... oh fuck.. should I jus get up and leave.. should I call the police.. what the fuck should I do..FUCK
I call her..
Ring Ring Ring...
Cole- **whispers** Hello
Me- **whispers back** are you ok
Cole **whispers** no..he went from the front door to the back door.. banging on the door really loud.. I am upstairs with the baby so he won't hear us. should I call the police??
AT THIS POINT.. I AM GATHERING MY SHIT.. KEYS, SUNGLASSES, PURSE..TAKING OFF MY EARRINGS.. PUTTING MY HAIR IN A PONY..LACING MY NIKE'S..PRACTICING MY THROAT PUNCH THAT I LEARNED OFF CHARLIES ANGELS..
Me **still whispering** dude I am on my way... jus stay right there..
Cole **still whispering** No friend it's ok you don't have to..
Me**what!? why
Cole** cuz I'm totally fucking with you.. hahahahahahahhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaa
Me**what the eff trick? **click**
Yea, she got me good.. ole heffa had me going..when I least expected it.. she got me.. wanch..
**My beezy (we shall call her Collette..Cole for short..I always liked that name..probably I should seek out a Collette and befriend her and then I really could have a beezy name Collette..hmmm taking over the world one thought at a time) N-E-WHORE...
Okkk..so Cole has been friendly with a weird lil gent for some time now.. I told that heffa don't be nice to everyone.. that is like feeding the stray cats..they follow you home..same deal with P Diddy..<--that's what we are calling him.. ;)
So P.Diddy is a total creeper.. TOTAL ewwwie gooey..creeper and no matter what cole does P.Diddy never gets the hint.. OK SO THIS BISH IS SLICK.. totally set me up the night before I do believe..
We were talkin and she told me that P.Diddy is totally freakin her out... and she was going to block his number because he was starting to make her feel uncomfortable.. so she texted me later on that night and told me she blocked him. OK cool
I get up on 4.1 and mutha fuckas think they are slick but I'm dodging their jokes like dodge balls.. getting real cocky.. then she texts me
Cole-"Diddy is banging on my door..im supa scared..can u come here!?!?"
Me-Fa real Fa real??
**crickets**
NO FUCKING ANSWER
^^mind you I am at work.. at my desk.. and my heart is beating fast for my poor little ole friend and worried about the big bad wolf bangin on her door because she killed all his advances and blocked him from contacting her...and now he is probably super duper pissed ((he aint all there in the head if you ask me))
AND
this heffa isn't texting back... oh fuck.. should I jus get up and leave.. should I call the police.. what the fuck should I do..FUCK
I call her..
Ring Ring Ring...
Cole- **whispers** Hello
Me- **whispers back** are you ok
Cole **whispers** no..he went from the front door to the back door.. banging on the door really loud.. I am upstairs with the baby so he won't hear us. should I call the police??
AT THIS POINT.. I AM GATHERING MY SHIT.. KEYS, SUNGLASSES, PURSE..TAKING OFF MY EARRINGS.. PUTTING MY HAIR IN A PONY..LACING MY NIKE'S..PRACTICING MY THROAT PUNCH THAT I LEARNED OFF CHARLIES ANGELS..
Me **still whispering** dude I am on my way... jus stay right there..
Cole **still whispering** No friend it's ok you don't have to..
Me**what!? why
Cole** cuz I'm totally fucking with you.. hahahahahahahhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaa
Me**what the eff trick? **click**
Yea, she got me good.. ole heffa had me going..when I least expected it.. she got me.. wanch..
Friday, April 1, 2011
U.G.L.Y. You ain't got no alibi you ugly eh! Hey! You ugly!
**totally listening to Pandora.. Sugarland station..and pretty much it is country.. and I kinda like it... IFKR.. who would have thunk it...I don't know who the eff Rascal Flatt is but I like him :) lol
Went to court today.. Don't ask me why cuz I don't wanna talk about it.. and don't bother tryin to look me up either cuz I am a #LawAbider.. fuckka.. Soooo Why did I bring up the fact that I went to court you ask? Cuz I do have a point to my effin story I swear... Any HO..
~This man was at the elevator and he was pushing the fucking ((already lit) elevator button like it was gonna make shit happen faster.. Like magically the elevator was gonna swoop down get us and lift off to whatever floor at a super fast speed or sum shit... I was already irritated that my sleep was interrupted 45 min early and now this douche in the elevator wants to click the fucking button 15 times.. Gzus buddy fucking stop it you are annoying! I rolled my eyes and whadda u kno..I realized that it doesn't take much to fucking irritate me.. let me list you the most irritating shit in the entire fucking world! (( I love a list if you haven't noticed)
~ inconsiderate assholes who talk on their cell phone at the most inappropriate times..ie in line at the gas station or grocery store.. and all the poor cashier wants is for you to click yes 1 more gain on the effin debit card machine but NoOoOoO ur too busy talking about ur effin day to even listen to her...ur holding up the fookin line douche ball...tell that bitch on the phone to hold for 10 seconds!
~ Speed Humps
~ When someone sends me a text message and I can't tell if they sent it to a bunch a people or jus me.. I don't wanna respond if it was a mass text and look like a douche and I don't wanna not respond if it was jus sent to me and look like a big ole bitch #DILEMMA
~Pennies.. all change for that matter except Quarters..I like Quarters..for vending machines and vacuums and shit like that.. but pennies can go suck a dick..
~ Rebecca Black..and if you don't know WTF I'm tawkin about then consider urself lucky..No seriously go buy a lotto ticket u lucky bastards..
~ You have reached the voice mailbox of 3--0--9--2--8--7--0--0--1--2. At the tone, please record your voice message. At the end of your message, you may hang up, or press 1 for more options. To leave a callback number, press 5. To page this person, press 8. If you still want to leave a message for this person, press 2 now. BEEEEEEEEP. GZUS I SHOULD HAVE TEXTED...THIS IS COMPLETE BULLSHIT!
~ Rude Jerk-offs who leave their car door open EVEN tho they see u trying to pull in right next to you... Listen fuck face if there was another spot TRUST me when I say I would have parked there but there wasn't so if you could kindly stop being a stuck up bitch for 2 seconds and let me squeeze in here real quick.. I would greatly appreciate it..
~ people who can't fucking talk... "I suspect you to be on time"... BITCH what the fuck are you retarded..you suspect? no bitch you're suspect..suspect of being an illiterate fuck.. it's EXPECT stoopid.
~ people who ask me what I am reading... ummmmmm move a lil bit and look and the cover.. you really interrupted my reading time to ask me that... Rotate..
~ one-uppers.. you know the folks that NO matter what ur story is.. they been there done that with a twist..
"so yea my car was broken into last night." considerate people.. "oh wow that sucks dude..sorry..was anything taken?" The one upper " Mine was too! Except I was in it and they took me at knife point to the ATM and robbed me.. fucking really! I hate you...go to hell and die you one-upper fuck!
~ Know it alls... Ok Ms. Wikipedia..Who the fuck even asked you for ur 2 cents..
~ The motha fukkin Ratchet Ass Redbox.... holy fuck this should be number 1... I can't stand when there is people at the redbox.. a whole family huddled around this little machine trying to figure out what movie to rent...are you serious... I patiently try and wait and not look like I'm irritated because you can't decide on a movie and u are holding up the line... It is a mutha fuckin dolla.. how about you each pick one...I will give you the damn dollar if you just hurry the EFF up! never fails.. never ever..I jus don't understand FML and the Gosh Darn RED BOX...
~Justin Bieber...scratch that.. grown folks who love love love J.B.=creeptastic! jus sayin
~ Peeps that order a steak well done... why spend ur money on it foolish.. jus get a hamburger..
~Mustaches...***shudders very much pedophile-ish... unless it is a stache-bar u kno that looks like a handlebar.. then ur just effin awesome and I wanna be like you when I grown up..
~People who can't spell the word TOMORROW.. it's not tomorraw.. or tomarrow..I really don't like people who can't spell period.. I know I use typonese.. but a bitch can spell.. a bitch did finish HS and a bitch did go to college.. so naaa naaa
~ folks that chew and smack their gum like they are a cow chomping on grass.. ughhh fuck kill yo self.. kill me instead..
~The checker outter and the grocery store.. You know the one always anxious to give ur children stickers. That bitch must not have children.. cuz all those lil rug rats do is A. leave em on their clothes and I accidentally wash them and then its mission impossible to get them off their clothes.. or B. ima find these stickers all over my wall.. and when I try and peel them off my paint comes with it.. SMH
~Drivers who refuse to turn right on a red light... Pahrettttyyy sure your "Rules of the Road" book clearly states that this is a legal move.. So why are you playing with my impatient emotions by not turning!??!
~advertisement/commercials online....looky hurrrr.. I have had a DVR since 07.. I haven't watched commercials in years.. why the eff should I have to watch them jus to watch a pinche youtube video!?
~Shoppers who don't return their shopping carts.. it is uber annoying and plain ole lazy!
~Litterbugs.. shame on you!
~Parents who don't know how to NOT dress their kids like they are homeless. Ughhhh
~Mudda fuckers who can't take a joke..did you break ur funny bone or summin??
~Uni-brows
~People who have to remind you every effin day how happy they are..Listen here you lying ass bitch.. NOBODY is that happy ALL the fucking time not even people who take ecstasy. Soooo really are you trying to convince me or yourself on how happy you are!? #FoodForThought
Went to court today.. Don't ask me why cuz I don't wanna talk about it.. and don't bother tryin to look me up either cuz I am a #LawAbider.. fuckka.. Soooo Why did I bring up the fact that I went to court you ask? Cuz I do have a point to my effin story I swear... Any HO..
~This man was at the elevator and he was pushing the fucking ((already lit) elevator button like it was gonna make shit happen faster.. Like magically the elevator was gonna swoop down get us and lift off to whatever floor at a super fast speed or sum shit... I was already irritated that my sleep was interrupted 45 min early and now this douche in the elevator wants to click the fucking button 15 times.. Gzus buddy fucking stop it you are annoying! I rolled my eyes and whadda u kno..I realized that it doesn't take much to fucking irritate me.. let me list you the most irritating shit in the entire fucking world! (( I love a list if you haven't noticed)
~ inconsiderate assholes who talk on their cell phone at the most inappropriate times..ie in line at the gas station or grocery store.. and all the poor cashier wants is for you to click yes 1 more gain on the effin debit card machine but NoOoOoO ur too busy talking about ur effin day to even listen to her...ur holding up the fookin line douche ball...tell that bitch on the phone to hold for 10 seconds!
~ Speed Humps
~ When someone sends me a text message and I can't tell if they sent it to a bunch a people or jus me.. I don't wanna respond if it was a mass text and look like a douche and I don't wanna not respond if it was jus sent to me and look like a big ole bitch #DILEMMA
~Pennies.. all change for that matter except Quarters..I like Quarters..for vending machines and vacuums and shit like that.. but pennies can go suck a dick..
~ Rebecca Black..and if you don't know WTF I'm tawkin about then consider urself lucky..No seriously go buy a lotto ticket u lucky bastards..
~ You have reached the voice mailbox of 3--0--9--2--8--7--0--0--1--2. At the tone, please record your voice message. At the end of your message, you may hang up, or press 1 for more options. To leave a callback number, press 5. To page this person, press 8. If you still want to leave a message for this person, press 2 now. BEEEEEEEEP. GZUS I SHOULD HAVE TEXTED...THIS IS COMPLETE BULLSHIT!
~ Rude Jerk-offs who leave their car door open EVEN tho they see u trying to pull in right next to you... Listen fuck face if there was another spot TRUST me when I say I would have parked there but there wasn't so if you could kindly stop being a stuck up bitch for 2 seconds and let me squeeze in here real quick.. I would greatly appreciate it..
~ people who can't fucking talk... "I suspect you to be on time"... BITCH what the fuck are you retarded..you suspect? no bitch you're suspect..suspect of being an illiterate fuck.. it's EXPECT stoopid.
~ people who ask me what I am reading... ummmmmm move a lil bit and look and the cover.. you really interrupted my reading time to ask me that... Rotate..
~ one-uppers.. you know the folks that NO matter what ur story is.. they been there done that with a twist..
"so yea my car was broken into last night." considerate people.. "oh wow that sucks dude..sorry..was anything taken?" The one upper " Mine was too! Except I was in it and they took me at knife point to the ATM and robbed me.. fucking really! I hate you...go to hell and die you one-upper fuck!
~ Know it alls... Ok Ms. Wikipedia..Who the fuck even asked you for ur 2 cents..
~ The motha fukkin Ratchet Ass Redbox.... holy fuck this should be number 1... I can't stand when there is people at the redbox.. a whole family huddled around this little machine trying to figure out what movie to rent...are you serious... I patiently try and wait and not look like I'm irritated because you can't decide on a movie and u are holding up the line... It is a mutha fuckin dolla.. how about you each pick one...I will give you the damn dollar if you just hurry the EFF up! never fails.. never ever..I jus don't understand FML and the Gosh Darn RED BOX...
~
~ Peeps that order a steak well done... why spend ur money on it foolish.. jus get a hamburger..
~Mustaches...***shudders very much pedophile-ish... unless it is a stache-bar u kno that looks like a handlebar.. then ur just effin awesome and I wanna be like you when I grown up..
~People who can't spell the word TOMORROW.. it's not tomorraw.. or tomarrow..I really don't like people who can't spell period.. I know I use typonese.. but a bitch can spell.. a bitch did finish HS and a bitch did go to college.. so naaa naaa
~ folks that chew and smack their gum like they are a cow chomping on grass.. ughhh fuck kill yo self.. kill me instead..
~The checker outter and the grocery store.. You know the one always anxious to give ur children stickers. That bitch must not have children.. cuz all those lil rug rats do is A. leave em on their clothes and I accidentally wash them and then its mission impossible to get them off their clothes.. or B. ima find these stickers all over my wall.. and when I try and peel them off my paint comes with it.. SMH
~Drivers who refuse to turn right on a red light... Pahrettttyyy sure your "Rules of the Road" book clearly states that this is a legal move.. So why are you playing with my impatient emotions by not turning!??!
~advertisement/commercials online....looky hurrrr.. I have had a DVR since 07.. I haven't watched commercials in years.. why the eff should I have to watch them jus to watch a pinche youtube video!?
~Shoppers who don't return their shopping carts.. it is uber annoying and plain ole lazy!
~Litterbugs.. shame on you!
~Parents who don't know how to NOT dress their kids like they are homeless. Ughhhh
~Mudda fuckers who can't take a joke..did you break ur funny bone or summin??
~Uni-brows
~People who have to remind you every effin day how happy they are..Listen here you lying ass bitch.. NOBODY is that happy ALL the fucking time not even people who take ecstasy. Soooo really are you trying to convince me or yourself on how happy you are!? #FoodForThought
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Oh Facebook.. I'm having second thoughts...
****MI THOTZ EGGZAKLEE.. LURN ENGLISH STOOPID FUCKERS****
99 bottles of beer on the wall..
Dear Baby GZUS,
If you make my head stop pounding and the room stop spinning I pinky promise to never get this fucked up again.. Titty bars and chili cheese fries is not how I intended my evening to end..Eweww and I really don't like the fact that I passed out on someones dirty bathroom floor not sure if I was gonna throw up or shit on myself.. Not a good look brushing my teeth with my finger this morning and combing my hair into a pony with the same finger..jus to stumble outside in the same clothes as the night before and do 360's looking for my effin car... Sighhh Lawd im 2 hungover to be walking a fucking marathon.. And where the fuck is my keys?? Shit fuck damnit where are my fucking keys? Am i being punished for drinking too much? Please baby GZUS I will try harder not to get so shit faced like that again if you could please make the earth stop spinning so fast so I can go home to my own bed.. And PS I am soooo effin grateful I
Deactivated my Facebook.. And thank you thank you for my phone dying.. Could have gotten real embarrassing if you know what I mean ;)
Sincerely,
A drunk bitch
If you make my head stop pounding and the room stop spinning I pinky promise to never get this fucked up again.. Titty bars and chili cheese fries is not how I intended my evening to end..Eweww and I really don't like the fact that I passed out on someones dirty bathroom floor not sure if I was gonna throw up or shit on myself.. Not a good look brushing my teeth with my finger this morning and combing my hair into a pony with the same finger..jus to stumble outside in the same clothes as the night before and do 360's looking for my effin car... Sighhh Lawd im 2 hungover to be walking a fucking marathon.. And where the fuck is my keys?? Shit fuck damnit where are my fucking keys? Am i being punished for drinking too much? Please baby GZUS I will try harder not to get so shit faced like that again if you could please make the earth stop spinning so fast so I can go home to my own bed.. And PS I am soooo effin grateful I
Deactivated my Facebook.. And thank you thank you for my phone dying.. Could have gotten real embarrassing if you know what I mean ;)
Sincerely,
A drunk bitch
Friday, March 25, 2011
bad, bad, bad, bad boy..You make me feel so good!
I read something on Twitter today that made me kinda lull.. something like...why do women keep the man that is perfect for them a friend and worship the man that treats her like shit… I laugh because it is the truest statement ever! Kinda sorta.. the thing is this.. Women say they want a man that respects them and is their knight in shining armor.. yes we do want to be respected but we love us an asshole..a man that is bossy and arrogant and aggressive!.. Unfortunately you get put in the “friend zone” cuz you’re too nice of a guy..
There is something about a man who tells you to hurry the fuck up and get him sumthin to drink that turns us on..lol..nice guys are good to go to for advice on what to do when their man is bein a super dick but not to date..
I personally think a “bad boy” is safe.. Most “bad boys” don’t want a commitment and string you along for as long as they can.. some females are afraid of commitment and this works out for everyone involved.. Nice guys are pushovers.. that shit aint cute at all.. No one respects someone they can walk all over. Nice guys don’t make any real demands or put their foot down.. A bad boy would NEVER let a woman walk all over him or control him. Women can’t respect a man that they can control. No respect = Not getting any ass
TRUE STORY..Women are nurturers....We wanna be the ONE to make him change his bad boy ways.. to fix whatever is wrong with him that makes him a dick.. nice guys don’t always know what to say.. Bad boys usually got good game and kno exactly what women want to hear. I also think that we wanna feel safe and protected.. I wanna kno that my boo is gonna protect me.. I can't say I can say the same thing for the "nice guy" I dont' want a man who wants to talk some shit out with someone who jus disrespected me.. I want to see that talk shittin fucker get knocked the fuck out!! Go to sleep Ho type shit...BUT I think at the end of the day a woman really wants a good guy with asshole tendencies..gotta find that happy medium..I like the fact that I am respected and my opinion matters but I also like being smacked on my ass and told to shut the fuck up when I know Im way outta line…sighhhhhhh think Ima call my boo right na so he can igg my phone call and texts...LMAO..
There is something about a man who tells you to hurry the fuck up and get him sumthin to drink that turns us on..lol..nice guys are good to go to for advice on what to do when their man is bein a super dick but not to date..
I personally think a “bad boy” is safe.. Most “bad boys” don’t want a commitment and string you along for as long as they can.. some females are afraid of commitment and this works out for everyone involved.. Nice guys are pushovers.. that shit aint cute at all.. No one respects someone they can walk all over. Nice guys don’t make any real demands or put their foot down.. A bad boy would NEVER let a woman walk all over him or control him. Women can’t respect a man that they can control. No respect = Not getting any ass
TRUE STORY..Women are nurturers....We wanna be the ONE to make him change his bad boy ways.. to fix whatever is wrong with him that makes him a dick.. nice guys don’t always know what to say.. Bad boys usually got good game and kno exactly what women want to hear. I also think that we wanna feel safe and protected.. I wanna kno that my boo is gonna protect me.. I can't say I can say the same thing for the "nice guy" I dont' want a man who wants to talk some shit out with someone who jus disrespected me.. I want to see that talk shittin fucker get knocked the fuck out!! Go to sleep Ho type shit...BUT I think at the end of the day a woman really wants a good guy with asshole tendencies..gotta find that happy medium..I like the fact that I am respected and my opinion matters but I also like being smacked on my ass and told to shut the fuck up when I know Im way outta line…sighhhhhhh think Ima call my boo right na so he can igg my phone call and texts...LMAO..
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
crip walkin down memory lane
**wait for it wait for it.... Beat drops...**As I walk thru the valley of the shadow of death ...I take a look at my life and realize there's not much left..blah blah blah ((in my opera voice)) Been spending most our lives living in the Gangsta's Paradise...jeahhhhh son! Totally made it Old Skool Wednesday..totally doin the 2 step at my desk to this song..and Totally made me think of fond memories that this song brings up.. So what the fuck lets walk down memory lane folks.. I gotta lotta "I remember whens".... should be good times.. I realized besides the fact that I love the word totally.. I am getting fucking old.. like before I know it ima be scootin around on a hova round.. I think I will still be thuggin tho... cuz im jus that gangsta... they gonna call me granny gangsta.. lull GG for short ;)
I remember when…..
**I carried a pager..burgandy and I was the motha effin shit! Oh shit pull over I need to use the payphone.. my momma pagin me 911… Who got 20cents?? LOL
**I watched Jerry Springer..Faithfully
**Macho Man Randy Savage and Hulk Hogan was the shit! Oh yeahhhhhhhh
**Little debbies cost 25 cents
**Playing Mortal Kombat on Sega… Subzero was the bidness and I always had to say **Seeegggaaaaaa…like on the opening credits
**I would Smoke a Newport after a blunt..cuz for some reason I thought it would make me “higher” #drugsarebadmkay
**When starter jackets were the motha fuckin shit…mhmm yea them the ones that were pull-overs ..I had a Redskins one all day bitches!
**people said “da bomb”
**Filas were the shit.. and lawd gzus if you had the matching outfit u was an even bigger shit!((I did)) hahaha
**Anything having to do with the Charlotte Hornets was the shit
**Crossroads came out… I miss my uncle Charles ya’ll…
**I was in love with Donny from New kids on the block… don’t judge me
**Micro Machines and I use to steal them from my babysitters son.. I wanted to be able to talk as fast as dude did on the commercials
**Parachute pants.. 2 legit..2 legit 2 quit. Hey heyyy
**I found out he had a sideline ho.. smh
**I busted the sideline ho’s car window with a big ass rock and all she could do was cry cuz I got glass in her hair. LOL #iusedtobeacrazybitch
**I watched Blossom.. jus to hear Joey say Woahh!
**Mr. Quik, Pizza World and Double Nickel #suchafatgirl
** you had to Blow on Nintendo games to make em work
**I was obsessed with Thundercats
**everyone thought everything was gonna shut down NYE 1999
**Reeboks with the basketball you could pump up.
**Mickey Mouse Club.. I had the HUGEST crush on Ricky Luna… <3 ß-IKR lol
**Mmmmbop was my jam!
**People wore overalls with one strap hangin.. HAaAaAaaa #pimpin!
**Tweety bird shirts were the shit
**Jellies! I had a pair in every color.. #fashionista
**Jean purses.. lull what was I thinking
**I had huge ass bangs that I use to spray half a can of hairspray onßcalled em mall bangs.. haha
**Recording love songs on the radio onto a cassette tape
**Wanting to be a FLY GIRL on In living Color
**Slap-its bracelets
**Pinch rolled jeans
**scrunchis
**Pinch rolled jeans
**scrunchis
**Tamagotchi pets.. you know the ones that was on a keychain… jeah!!
**Talking into a fan with my sister.. LUKE..I AM YOUR FATHER.. #goodtimes
**Being obsessed with butterflies cuz Mariah Carey was.. Dream lova lova lookin ass
**Wanting to be part of the Baby Sitters Club.. Claudia to be exact
**When I wanted to marry Chris “Mac Daddy” Kelly.. I jus knew I was gonna marry that man cuz of his sense of style! LOL #DEADASSWRONG
**The first time I heard R. Kelly’s 12play sighhhhh #TRUELOVE
** I jus knew I was gonna have a baby wit the boy that lived around the corner who drove the old school Chevy on sum 20’s… hhahahahahahaha ** he ended up having a baby with about 10 girls real talk seen him working at BK and he still probably driving that old ass chevy with them weak ass 20’s… #stepyagameupdaddy
Sugar water..mhmmm syrup sammys too.. lmao we would toast our bread it was kinda like eating French toast!
**my brain hurts from Memory lane.. Deuces fukkas
Monday, March 21, 2011
Dear Facebookers Cont.....
**Listening to Sugarland and drinking a big dumb ass ignant ass red bull.. soooo um yea lets get started
I would like to say thank you to my stalkers who have sent me texts, emails, and DM's about my facebook.. Yes, it is true.. I deleted that bitch. She had to fucking go! It was taking over my life and I jus had to kick her ass to the curb. Many reasons for her demise..BUT mostly cuz I am an unstable bitch and was about to go postal on people I don't even know for reasons that didn't even matter. I couldn't take no more.. True effin story.. I wanted to throw my fucking phone at the fucking wall cuz of facebook.. Here is a cont...liste of reasons why that bitch had to go...........
A.) Miserable Bitches- We fucking get it Ms. Glass is half empty, you hate your fucking life and you want the whole world to know about it.. Please for fucks sake get on some pills and keep that shit moving or better yet smoke sum loud or get dicked down real good for once in your pathetic life you Debbie fucking Downer you..
B.) The Hypochondriac- Lawd gzus.. like WTF yo! Seriously What theeee fuck! sick and tired of being sick and tired lookin ass.. the only status updates from these folks is.. "back to the hospital.. I go" or day 12,4504594059 of my headache... GZUS STFU already and take a fuckin advil.. Seriously tho do you have AIDS? Ima need you to go get that shit checked the fuck out cuz bitch you either dying.. or wanting people to think you are... smdh
C.)Dear Duck Face... really! Nuff said... Please please please!! STOP with the fucking duck face you look riduckulous.. like a ducking idiot.. so STOP it already.. omg and please stop with the duckface with the peace sign and sunglasses.. you need to be killed immediately.. and your 45 with 6 kids acting like ur 16 still.. bitch NOoooooooooo you shouldn't even be on FB much less on FB making duckfaces... I hate duck faces.. fucking hate em..
D.) The every movement I make I must update a status(ers)- Raally don't give a flying fuck that you ate eggs and they were yummy! Get the fuck out of here!!! no better yet.. find someone to penetrate you..IMMEDIATELY
E.) The "Quoter"- GOD Bless America.. I don't care what Socrates fucking said about life.. FUCK you go get one!! in that order
F.)The ignant ass bitches and mens who have 143440 followers and I can't understand why.. YOU AREN'T even funny.. you are actually really fucking lame and I should have deleted you months ago... I hate you lame guy with 35 comments about Garfield and Friends... WTDTA... really fucking really
So there you have it folks... Because of these things above is the reason why I deleted Fuckbook.. it's stupid and pointless and.... OMG I MISS IT REALLY REALLY BAD.. I'm having withdrawals... I need help!! Mommy help me!!! **sobbing*** sighhhhhhhhhhhh BUT i refuse to reactivate.. I jus CAINT take the fucking stooooopidness of it anymore...
I would like to say thank you to my stalkers who have sent me texts, emails, and DM's about my facebook.. Yes, it is true.. I deleted that bitch. She had to fucking go! It was taking over my life and I jus had to kick her ass to the curb. Many reasons for her demise..BUT mostly cuz I am an unstable bitch and was about to go postal on people I don't even know for reasons that didn't even matter. I couldn't take no more.. True effin story.. I wanted to throw my fucking phone at the fucking wall cuz of facebook.. Here is a cont...liste of reasons why that bitch had to go...........
A.) Miserable Bitches- We fucking get it Ms. Glass is half empty, you hate your fucking life and you want the whole world to know about it.. Please for fucks sake get on some pills and keep that shit moving or better yet smoke sum loud or get dicked down real good for once in your pathetic life you Debbie fucking Downer you..
B.) The Hypochondriac- Lawd gzus.. like WTF yo! Seriously What theeee fuck! sick and tired of being sick and tired lookin ass.. the only status updates from these folks is.. "back to the hospital.. I go" or day 12,4504594059 of my headache... GZUS STFU already and take a fuckin advil.. Seriously tho do you have AIDS? Ima need you to go get that shit checked the fuck out cuz bitch you either dying.. or wanting people to think you are... smdh
C.)Dear Duck Face... really! Nuff said... Please please please!! STOP with the fucking duck face you look riduckulous.. like a ducking idiot.. so STOP it already.. omg and please stop with the duckface with the peace sign and sunglasses.. you need to be killed immediately.. and your 45 with 6 kids acting like ur 16 still.. bitch NOoooooooooo you shouldn't even be on FB much less on FB making duckfaces... I hate duck faces.. fucking hate em..
D.) The every movement I make I must update a status(ers)- Raally don't give a flying fuck that you ate eggs and they were yummy! Get the fuck out of here!!! no better yet.. find someone to penetrate you..IMMEDIATELY
E.) The "Quoter"- GOD Bless America.. I don't care what Socrates fucking said about life.. FUCK you go get one!! in that order
F.)The ignant ass bitches and mens who have 143440 followers and I can't understand why.. YOU AREN'T even funny.. you are actually really fucking lame and I should have deleted you months ago... I hate you lame guy with 35 comments about Garfield and Friends... WTDTA... really fucking really
So there you have it folks... Because of these things above is the reason why I deleted Fuckbook.. it's stupid and pointless and.... OMG I MISS IT REALLY REALLY BAD.. I'm having withdrawals... I need help!! Mommy help me!!! **sobbing*** sighhhhhhhhhhhh BUT i refuse to reactivate.. I jus CAINT take the fucking stooooopidness of it anymore...
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
I'm a GAZILLION TRILLION % sure he my baby's fadda
Let me start by saying.. H-O- larious.. Maury is my dirty little secret.. I Tivo that ish all the fuggin time cuz true story it is the best mutha fuckin entertainment EVER.. I mean anytime I need to feel better about myself I watch Maury…
It’s is so funny to me to see these girls come on here 1000000000000% that this man is the father.. like aint no way in hell there could be anyone else! Haaaa ** I mean look at those fingernails Maury they got the same fingernails Maury… the vid speaks for itself but I jus gotta add my 2 cents...LULLLLLLLLL
#1 Dear BUSTDOWNesha Ima need you to get your life together ITO ((in that order)).. Please please please for fucks sake STOP I repeat STOP getting drilled like it’s ur motha fucking JOB.. bish what the fizuck is wrong with you!? If you wanna be a slut.. have at it.. BUT be a SAFE slut gzus almighty.. like really fucking really 11 (+) men being tested for 1 child!?? Ummmmmm ok so you were having lots of sex with lots of dudes all in a matter of a week or so.. all raw backin it..ewwww I need a brillo pad to scrub that image out of my head.. Yous a HO and jus plain ole nasty Bustdownesha.. and I pray you go to church so GZUS can save you HO!! I mean really have you ever heard of a lil sumin sumin called HIV..it’s a life long process! Or herps.. yeah that’s that friend that never goes away..
#2 You have the nerve to come on national television! Are you fucking retarded bitch! Like really were you dropped on ur fucking dome piece as a kid.. Did you used to get pulled out of class to go to the smaller class with all them teachers? Did ur momma smoke gasoline when she was pregnant.. Cuz ima tell you like this.. If I had even an inkling of a doubt of who my baby’s father was I wish I would go on national television for a mutha fuckin DNA test.. smh at bustdownesha I am at a loss for words right now..
#3 You have the fucking nerve to come on TV for the 11th time and TALK SHIT!? Bitch what the fuck!? Did ummm I miss sumthing.. did umm you miss something..you do realize this is not the 1st not the 2nd and not the 3rd but the fucking 11th time you been on Maury..SMH.. I am suprised you haven't killed yo self already and if you haven't offed urself im suprised AIDS hasn't killed u hunee.. real talk and if AIDS aint killed you I'm suprised one of those 11 mens wifeys hasn't beat yo whorish ass..11 damn times Bustdownesha!? dayummm heffa you probably got your own dressing room at this point any more visits and they gonna have to put you on fucking payroll with 401ks and shit.. You really gonna sit up and talk shit cuz he lives with his momma.. BITCH HELLO YOU GETTING DICKED DOWN UNPROTECTED BY ALL OF NORTH AMERICA and wanna talk about ole boy cuz he lives with his momma.. and jus like he said boo it wasn’t a problem when he was humpin yo ass was it now!?
#4 when it comes to 4 yr old baby mymommafuckedmeupforlifebybeingaslut Dion you are NOT the father… ***bustdownesha runs off stage..
Moral of this story.. keep testin em bustdownesha cuz you keep me entertained 5 days a week ;)
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
EFF U SEE KAY U
Today is TOTALLY not my fucking day…Seriously and this video pahrettty much sums up how I am feeling… Sighhhhhs
I woke up with a fucking chip on my shoulder && damnit don’t ask me fucking WHY!? I don’t effing know why..if I fucking new the answer to the GD question I would try to solve the fucking riddle or sumthin.. Baby Gzus take the wheel! Take the wheel!!!!!!!!
My effin day started out as crap I shoulda known it would be a complete SHITASTIC day.. I shoulda seen this bullshit coming a mile away..
FUCK the fact that I woke up late and didn’t have time to do my hair and now I look like a fucking cocker spaniel and FUCK Mickey D’s for giving me the wrong cawfee this morning..((What is so hard about BLACK CAWFEE with 2 shots of espresso!? It’s not fucking rocket science people!!)) and FUCK me for not being able to go back and get their screw up right because of the fact that I was running late. FUCK FUCK FUCK
And FUCK you bird who decided to take a shit on my dry clean only coat.. OH and FUCK you old guy for pulling out in front of me making me almost drop my cigarette and making me burn my fingers.. then having the nerve to HONK at me! Old ass don’t know how you see with those coke bottle glasses can barely see over the steering wheel..looks like u could keel over any second FUKKA!
I was really trying to turn over a new leaf today too.. Cut back on cursing, and drinking, and judging people. What the hell was I thinking!? What a fucking fool I am. I am going to excessively drink and chain smoke tonight.. And if tomorrow is anything like today I will more than likely off myself and if I don’t I will jus drown my fucked up ness in svedka.. if not maybe then I will try to cut back… Who fucking knows?
Thursday, March 10, 2011
DSi spy you as road rash.....
***Hey Boy..how u doin…my name is Beth..last name Brunson.. And I was wondering if YOU could take me out..show me a good time.. invite me to your house.. J late night early morning.. pretty sure ima go into cardiac arrest.. drinkin an XL redbull, cawfee, chocolate milk and sum ice whaaatahh.. jeahhhh I’m thirsty.. lull in more ways than 1 I suppose..
So ummm yeah… totally in a craptastic mood today.. I dislike females who act like they are friggin 8 ft tall with 2 AK47s ready to kill yo ass...fuck up outta here... u might wanna get ur Sloth from the Goonies lookin ass up outta here! Sooooo OFF that because I don’t plan on being a plastic in this blog.. This blog was meant to rant about my not so great night……………
 |
| can you say Ruth! Ruth! Baby! Ruth! |
Big Double Sigh.. Let me start by saying this ***clears throat.. My 8 year old and 6 year old have been begging me for a fooking year to get them Ninetendo DSi's..Can’t just say DS’s in my house you gotta say the whole kitten caboodle ya diggity dig. So yea any whore..Begged and Begged and did some more begging.. Me being the cheap asshole that I am.. ignore their pleas and got away with it for 12 effin months folks… yea we are tawkin these lil fukkas asked me every day for an entire calendar year… and every day I would say maybe we will see and blah blah bullshit like that… ((mind you… I didn’t mind getting my then 7 now 8 year old one it was my then 5 now 6 year old that worried me..((jus wanna say my 6 year old takes better care of it than my 8 yr old... smdh for underestimating that little trolly troll Kenny..)) BUT I didn’t want to get one for one and not the other.. anyone who has kids of the same sex close in age can kinda sorta feel my pain. **any ho.. so for their birthdays this year they really wanted these stupid expensive effin things… I folded like a piece of paper and decided to get them… sighs fast forward
>>>>>>ScRuReY…… sCrUrEy…… ScRuReY<<<<<<<< ß----that’s my VCR sound effects…mhmmmm
Alrighty tidy back to my interesting eventful evening…I ran to the grocery store.. left the kids in the car.. NO worries.. they were completely being supervised by each other..and they were unbuckled with the car running and windows rolled up.. I mean c’mon people I am qwen of role model mommy… anywhore.. I get back to the car and they had spit out their gum that I gave them to occupy them and conned the “pizza holder” into letting them eat the pizza we just got for dinner… Savages!!
Yelled at the little emm effers to get back in their seats buckle up cuz we were rolling out….I Back up, turn the music on and proceed to exit Kroger… hang a left onto Main and whaddya kno my side door flies the eff open.. I break and panic.. and start counting heads thinking ohhh tiny infant baby gzus someone jus fell out.. sighhhhhs false alarm everyone was safe and sound..smdh at spitting gum wads out for pizza they wasn't supposed to eat and then NOT closing the door properly.. So pizza holder closes the door and we proceed home…
We gets out the car and Bray and Kenny are still in it bouncing around.. So I tell em c’mon what the crickey are you all doin.. Bray says he cannot find his Nintendo DSi.. I instantly knew that effin thing flew out when the door flew open… Like effin seriously.. Like really folks.. Like SERIOUSLY..where they do that at!? Shakin my damn motha fukkn head… WHY baby gzus.. WHY!?!??! I said… well I don’t know what to tell you kid it is probably in a million pieces on main street.. He of course starts to cry.. I of course being mommy dearest..I tell him to suck that shit up and fix his damn mother effin face before I do! Then pizza holder tells me go look for it….huh DSi fell out the car on a busy damn road and is smashed into a catrillion different pieces say what!? ***looks around… are you serious Pizza holder.. you want me to really get more upset by seeing it firsthand… Pizza holder says… yea you never know… I grab my keys and stomp out the door like this is effin ridicy… **seriously tawkin out loud at this point..droppin eff bombs and speedin… So I get back to the scene of the crime and WHADAYA KNO… I see the little fucker layin in the road… ((logic Bee would have parked and walked into the street and grabbed it… erratic bee guns it… cuts in front of traffic throws vinny in park and gets out… Of course this effin napkin in the suburban breaks and starts honkin like I am fuckin up his driving ability… Which I wasn’t might I add!!! There is totally 3 lanes and he was totally in the far left and I was totally in the far right!! Ole fukka jus wanted to be dramatic… So I reach for it.. and Hilly billy jack decides to roll down his window and yell “hey you dumb bitch..drive much” huhhhhhh me being me look around like is he really tawkin to me..oh hell to the no bobby this fukka is really tawkin to me.. so me being me again said… FUCK YOU as I shake my fist in the air… If I didn’t need that damn DS.. I would have chucked it at his 1980 something blue on silver Suburban… FML… I get back in and laugh the whole damn way home cuz I always find humor in the most effed up sitchies… So I get in the house inspect it and it was intact.. like really! Battery was missing but we can work with that.. So we swap Kennys battery and put it in Brays and whadoya kno!! IT EFFIN WORKS…..***AWHHHHH -----HA-LEY-LU-LAH …..mhmmmm lu-LAH bishes lu-LAH… OH ASH WEDNESDAY.. THANK YOU!! MORAL OF THIS STORY.. KIDS ARE LITTLE FUCKERS!
*** THE END!
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